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Partial Status Report

I make for you now a partial status report below, corresponding to the pictures above.

Potato, Sweet; Potatoes, Regular: fighting for survival. For further information on what is happening, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnrXiaPVeHY&feature=PlayList&p=5746AC95FD252265&index=11 (listen to the lyrics at 19 seconds into the clip).

Pineapple: has been moved inside where it grows and thrive, and on less water than it required outside.

Basil: harvested heavily when the wheather changed, these plants took a beating, but don't count them out yet.

Jalapeno: has not done anything noteworthy other than continued to not grow.

Garlic: sometimes the ones that grow the fastest and most quickly also burn out the fastest.

Potatoes Are Calm, For Now

A new but enthusiatic reader asked about the potatoes. I posted a picture of them above. As some of you may recall, after the sweet potato vine began to strangle the pineapple plant, I thought I would teach it a lesson by making it pick on something(s) its own size.

Many of you of course expected a Highlander-type duel to ensue between the various potatoes. Although I applaud you all for your interest in this critically acclaimed and popular genre of fiction, I am sorry to report that, as you can see, although it is getting a little crowded down there, all the potatoes are behaving themselves.

But, winter is coming. They'll find out who their friends are soon enough, I think.

Night Moves

Take a look at this tall drink of water. It continues to grow at an astonishing rate (photographed at night).

Growing Season Prolonged

I recently went to see Mt. Vernon with my family. Mt. Vernon is the estate of George Washington, who was the first president of the United States of America. It is located in Alexandria, Virginia. It is well preserved and held out as a tourist attraction for tourists to learn about history, as well as a realistic example of what life was like back then on that property. I, like you, my gentle readers, find history to be always interesting, exciting, and sometimes, sad.

There was and is a vegetable garden at Mt. Vernon! You can see it if you click on this link: http://www.mountvernon.org/visit/plan/index.cfm/ss/30/

The garden was situated so that it got plenty of sun. It was also surrounded by a brick wall, which kept out pests and kept in warmth, thus prolonging the growing season.

My balcony garden, wich faces southeast, and which for a floor and roof has a slap of concrete, and surrounded as it is with brick walls on two sides, also conserves the sun's heat and prolongs the growing season. Pests are barely a problem, because we are so high up that even insects have a hard time finding the place. As an added bonus, nobody who has ever been enslaved has ever been on my balcony garden. The same cannot be said of G.W.'s garden, sadly.

One other big difference between my garden and Washington's is that mine is primarily for growing one pineapple. Washington's was for growing all sorts of vegetables.

Update

The pineapple, it continues to grow. See how fast it does!

Today is the first day of September, and with it this month brings chilly temperatures and my mom's birthday. I might have to take the pineapple plant inside soon.

The potatoes will stay outside, of course, I do not care about them anyway. As for the basil, it too will stay outside. Several weeks ago and off to the side of the northern part of Dupont Circle I saw a large copse of basil plants, we're talking very substantial plants, planted in the dirt, right in front of a cafe. I had no idea that basil plants could be perennials here in D.C. Hopefully my basil plants will be.

As for the marigolds, well, sorry to say I planted them too late and they will never reach their full potential. Same for the garlic and the jalapenos. For that matter, a lot of people will never reach their full potential because they wanted for nourishment and timely, prudent, and appropriate nuturing, and so that is a lot worse than plants dying prematurely. Way worse.

Well, this has been fun but I better get back to work. I am super busy (and you should be too).

Presentation of a Pineapple

I know now what some parents may have felt once or twice. I know the joy of nurturing something that does not turn out to be a huge disappointment after all. I know the joy of a pineapple plant that has germinated big time.

I do not mean to insult the readers of this humble blog, but, just to be clear: No, I am not saying that the pineapple is German. Ludwig von Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 playing in the background is mere coincidence. "Germinate" is a term oft used in horticulture. It refers usually to what a man or woman of everyday experience would describe roughly as "a seed sprouting," and is usually the first step in growing things that one plants. Well, because my pineapple plant was first decapitated from a pineapple seed and then planted, the appearance of a new seed is really the important part, and thus the point of germination for my purposes.

Two years, perhaps more. That is how long I have worked for this. I take back anything I ever said or thought about this plant that was unkind. For that matter I take back all the unkind words, deeds, and thoughts I ever had against anybody. This is probably the happiest day of my life (although the extremely popular and critically acclaimed movie series Highlander is rumored to be in the process of being remade, so it might not be the best day of my life forever).

I am already worried about some insects I saw crawling over the baby pineapple. I vow to slay them, and to respond severely to anybody or anything else that seeks to do mischief (or worse, heaven forbid!) against MY pineapple plant.

Finally, I would like to thank my wife, for her indulgences and understanding. Now, to her, as always, I send my love (and also this post).

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Garlic Impressed

Badow! Look at how high the garlic has grown!

Fruits of My Labor

Pictured above is some basil that I utilized to prepare "pesto" in accordance with a technique for doing same supplied to me by my wife, who transmitted this technique to me while in absentia.

"Pesto" is something that may sound unamerican to some. To those who think like that I say "stop it." America is best because of diversity and can-do attitudes. There is no need for can-don'ts, and definitely not room for can-don'ts on my balcony.

Case study: The cilantro I planted died. Well, if you expected me to tuck it between my legs and cry and lament than you need to work on reaching a better hypothesis based on facts and inferences. Because instead I triumphantly planted jalapeno seeds. See now how they are trumpeting triumphantly out of the dirt? Soon I shall dine on jalapenos, basil, and, the god(s) willing, a stinking pineapple (I'm steeling by heart against the hope of a pineapple to prepare for the very real possibility that the summer season will depart and never supply me with a pineapple).

Scientific Method

One way in which people become accomplished green thumbs is by being able to analyze facts and form hypotheses that can then be tested using what is called the scientific method.

Now for the bad news. My cilantro is going or is already gone. I would post a picture but I don't want this blog to seem morbid. Rather, it is a celebration of life, not a macabre goth site about death and other crummbummers. I don't know if the cilantro got too much water, too much sun, poor soil drainage, or some combination.

There are too many variables to find out why the cilantro failed without running more than one experiment. If I had a kid one of the things I would make it do is conduct scientific experiments for me and write reports summarizing those experiments so that I could satisfy my curiousity by perusing those reports at my leisure. I hope that whatever school district it goes to has a good science program, so that it could be trusted to do this without making errors by 7th grade or so. I do not have much leisure time these days, so that is why I would need to read digests of the experiments instead of perform them myself. As you can well see, I have a lot of constraints on my time. Also, I work a lot as a professional in an office building.

There Can Be Only One

Have you ever asked yourself: if one sweet potato, two russet potatoes, and one red potato were to fight, then which would win? Hopefully, when one combines the above in a 10 inch planter that is only about half filled with dirt, and waters them only as an after-thought when he has water left over from watering other plants, then there can be only one (to survive).

In the extremely popular and critcally acclaimed movie Highlander, an immortal being must compete with other immortals in order to win the prize. It is somewhat of a misnomer to call these beings immortals, as they can be killed if their heads are separated from their bodies. Instead of living for almost infinity, however, they go about their lives amassing fortunes, taking lovers, and attempting to decapitate each other with swords, in what for the most part is fair and honorable combat. This combat accelerates at the time of the gathering, which is when all immortals feel a draw to be in the same place.

There is a gathering of sorts going on right now with respect to the above-pictured potatoes. As you well know, I have never liked that sweet potato, so I dumped in three more potatoes in its relatively small pot in hopes that it would be dispatched. I am not sure if these potatoes will ever make for good eating. As a reward and to show respect, I will eat the winner, which will be like eating all four, because one assumes that every time one potato defeats another it will take on the defeated foe's essence (quickening).

Feel free to comment on who you hope will win. Remember to specify which of the two russet potatoes you are rooting for if you are rooting for one of them. The one in the middle that has already sprouted vines is the sweet potato. The red potato is red. Duh.

Ethylene Gas Capturing Apparatus

As previously discussed, the apple releases ethylene gas, which is supposed to initiate flower buds in the subject bromelaid, also known as my pride and joy, aka my pineapple plant. The plastic bag captures the gas, hopefully in enough of a concentration for it to actually work.

I worry about this plant. It is growing relatively unsightly, its chutes are shooting out askew, brown tips and streaks can be observed on its leaves, and it doesn't seem to want to take any water. I water it, but the water seeps through the dirt at an improbably fast rate and then collects in the drip pan, where it sits for days.

I do not water it that much, because I read that pineapples don't favor being oft watered. I don't favor wasting my time and receiving little fruit (actually in this case absolutely none and it has been two years already) for my labor. You know, its not like there aren't other plants on the balcony that wouldn't benfit from the large planter that the pineapple occupies. It is not like other plants wouldn't benefit from all the attention I lavish on this plant. It is not like it is impossible for me to one day stop removing the choking vines of the sweet potato plant from the pineapple plant. I am just saying.

Pride

Although I'm posting it today, the above picture, showing basil, growing tall and proud, was taken yesterday. Fitting that it was, because yesterday was the 4th of July, which us Americans celebrate proudly.

Garlic

I know not how to plant garlic, nor how to care for it once it has been planted. I will learn by trial and error, like how to have a girlfriend for the first time or what to do as a business/professional person after you are done with school and need to be a business/professional person.

As you can see above, garlic began to sprout in the family kitchen. What you cannot see, but what nevertheless happened is that my wife said, "do you want to plant this?" I said "yes." Then I planted it.

Garlic, while delicious, is not known for helping with one's breath, which one needs to be fairly odorless to get with the ladies or men if one is trying to get with them (I am not trying to get with either). Garlic is also fabled to fend off vampires (vampyres). I cannot speak to this myth. I can speak to the FACT that if one is perceived to be interested in vampire movies, then that does repel women. Explaining that one does not really like vampires, but rather likes movies about vampire hunting, does not distinguish one from loser vampire fans to an extent to make it worth bothering.

Palm Tree in D.C., Can it Be?

Yes, it can be. Above are pictured two such trees. Before winter hits their trunks are cut, level with the ground, and covered in mulch. Every year they re-appear. I like cold climates, for that is where I am from. But man, do I ever love palm trees.

Bastard

The balcony is not at peace. If I were to leave my plants as they are, or, in the state of nature, if you will, then the insidious and stupid tuber that I planted may soon kill my other plants by smothering them with its deadly vines. You can see from the above pictures how it is already beginning to happen. Perhaps this is what would happen if one ever did employ the pit technique for raising childen. Sure, you think you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation by not worrying about multiple kids and then just nuturing the one that makes it out of the pit alive, but I suppose there would be a good chance that the one that survives is a real cold-hearted bastard, like this stupid tuber, for example.

Husbandry

Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines "husbandry" as the care of a household, or the control or judicious use of resources, or the cultivation or production of plants and animals, etc.

I am a husband X 2, in that I am a husband both to my wife as well as to my plants. Plants are easier to husband than wives. This is a fact.

Here are some pictures of my plants. My have they grown. The avocado pit has yet to sprout. The sweet potato that I planted as an afterthought is now thriving and choking the life out of the more worthy plants. I will soon rectify this situation.

Observation Skills and Analytical Thinking

Take a look at the picture above. A thorough reading of this entire blog will allow you to form the correct conclusion about what will be done with this apple. A thorough reading of this blog might also give you enough information to form a conclusion about what you are doing with your life, and whether you should be doing something else instead of reading this blog.

If you thought, "well Green Thumb, the joke is on you, you're the one that is writing it," then I commend your analytical thinking.

In Case Anybody Cares

The sweet potato is growing quickly. Please do not comment on this post. I have more important things to occupy my time than thinking about this stupid tuber.

Shade Dwellers

See how these plants stand in the darkness of the shade, afraid to go into the light? The theme song for Baywatch has similar wording to the preceding sentence. I got these plants about three years ago, around the same time I obtained an advanced degree. I have transplanted them but once. I usually add new top soil to their pots in the spring time. How sad it must be to be burned by the sun, and yet also require the mana of the sun to live. Are some white people sad for this reason? I wonder. I think we can all rest assured that at least one guy is sad.

Enough goofing around. My pineapple is also growing away from the sun. Why does it grow away from the sun?! I thought it liked the sun. I guess I will move it, AGAIN. The things I go through for this plant. At least when I have kids I will not have to worry about any of them until the strongest emerges from the pit. I am of course referencing a rigorous technique for child rearing; something similar was employed in Sparta quite some time ago. I would be tempted to try it but I couldn't find a book on this child rearing technique at Barnes and Noble. Also, I promised my wife I was joking about the whole, "let's just wait and see which ones make it out of the pit and then devote our resources to those" technique. I was joking, of course. You should know that if you are not dumb and if you can draw decent conclusions based upon information you have. If not, you are either a child or foolish enough to plant money or both.

Gratification Delayed is not Gratification Denied

Several days ago after a rough day of keeping casualty (and, to a lesser extent, medical malpractice) insurance premiums low, I wanted to go to Home Depot and buy some things. I did not. Later on that very same week, however, I did go to Home Depot. It was then that I enjoyed what had been kept from me, shopping for plant stuff. While there, I bought the things you see pictured above. I bought basil and cilantro, as well as materials to stabilize my top-heavy pineapple plant, which will not remain erect without assistance. Yeah, I know, "erect." So what, big deal, grow up.

The pineapple is now growing away from the sun. This general concept makes me think about making a whole different post on that topic.

p.s. the basil and cilantro have already been transplanted. If you check in on them in a few days, you will probably find an update.

Nothing Yet

Still a pit, not yet a sprout. You cannot see what I am about to describe, as it occurred after the above picture was captured electronically. Well, here it is: a large crack has begun to develop on the outside membrane of the avocado pit. Perhaps a sprout will break free. When it does you can be sure I will post about it on this blog.

Home Depot

I may reward myself with a trip to a nearby Home Depot garden shop this evening to buy pots, planters, and/or seeds. My family would like to plant basil, cilantro, and jalapeno seeds. I will thank you to refrain from drawing negative or incorrect conclusions about my family based on what we would like to plant.

I will not be buying dirt or potting mixes. I have enough of that stuff. I once worked at a garden shop at a Kmart. That experience strengthened, but did not create my desire to plant things. That experience also strengthened my desire to not work at Kmart. My observations of that store was that it was poorly run and poorly staffed, present company excluded, of course. I once owned stock in Kmart. That was as foolish as planting money! I should have known better.

You might say, metaphorically, that stocks are like plants; they can grow or die. If you said this I would think you are incorrect (stocks really are not very much like plants), and that you (or anyone else) speaking metaphorically is generally a waste of everyone's time.

There was a Star Trek episode once where Piccard was stranded on some inhospitable planet with a hostile companion who spoke a language entirely comprised of metaphor. There was very little worthwhile plant life on this planet. In my opinion the captain should have stayed aboard Enterprise. That episode was a waste of time. Owning stock in Kmart, for me, turned out to be a waste of money and also time, but primarily money.

Avocado & Bamboo

If you have read this blog before, then you would know that I once had an avocado plant. If you are good or even only fair at deducing facts and forming conclusions, then you would know that I was both proud and fond of said avocado plant.

My wife just told me of a technique to use to get an avocado pit to sprout into an avocado plant. It is done by taking an avocado pit, like the one pictured above, and half submerging it in water, as pictured above. Then, it is to be placed in sunlight.

You may, or may not, be interested to learn that in the background is a picture of bamboo shoots that my wife planted/submerged in water about two years ago. When she got them from the store they had but only one or two small leaves on each shoot. Now look at them. They are pictured on this blog because they are related to plants, although they are not something I planted.

You can expect to see things related to plants on this blog, even if I did not myself plant the plants or plant-related items. You cannot realistically expect to see things totally unrelated to plants on this blog, unless I planted those things. But that is unlikely to happen. True, members of my family have planted things that were not and could not become plants (Grandpa and Otto planting money, for example). Still, the chances of me planting something that is not a plant and putting it on this blog are small. Also, keep in mind that just because I plant something, like a flag, for example, does not mean that I automatically have to make a blog post about it.

Stupid Tuber

Here is a picture of a sweet potato that began to sprout in our cupboard. Rather than throw it out or eat it I dumped it in an old plastic pot and made a half-hearted effort to cover it with dirt. Sometimes I even water it, if there is water left over in the watering can after I water the other plants on the balcony. I much prefer the pineapple I planted, and plan to devote the majority of my time and energy to nuturing it, not this stupid tuber. I hope that when I am a parent I do not pick favorites of my children like I do with my plants. My wife probably hopes the same thing.

Pride and Joy

Pictured above is my pride and joy right now with respect to things I have planted. It is a pineapple plant. My wife and I ate the vast majority of this pineapple before I planted it. I planted only the top of the pineapple, which was comprised of the top six inches worth of leaves and perhaps half an inch of pineapple flesh. That was roughly two years ago.

A pineapple is a terrestrial bromelaid. It has a normal root system, as opposed to bromelaids that grow as epiphytes (meaning they live on tree branches and tree trunks, instead of on the ground). Bromelaids usually bloom when they reach their mature size. This can take several years. In order to trigger blooming, it is suggested that a ripe apple be place in the plant's pot, and then the plant is to be covered by a plastic bag for a few days. The ethlene gas released from the apple is supposed to initiate flower buds. (Complete Guide to Houseplants, Meredith Books 1st Ed., pp. 82-83, The Scott Company, Des Moines, IA 2004.)

I worry that in order for my pineapple plant to grow a pineapple, it must be pollinated by another pineapple plant, perhaps by bees acting as an intermediary. I have seen few bees and no other pineapple plants on my balcony. This troubles me. I plan on doing more research to see what, if anything, I can do to induce a pineapple to grow. I will try the apple and bag technique, described above. I might also purchase a few other pineapples from the store, and place them around my planted pineapple. Maybe bees will come and do what is necessary to pollinate my pineapple. It is easy to plant things, but not so easy to get your plants to bear fruit.

One time my grandpa received a branch from a pear tree through the mail. He attached it to a different kind of pear tree growing in his back yard, and, in time, that one pear tree bore him two different kinds of pears. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Right now I am using a piece of curvy black particle board to stabilize the plant, as you can see. The particle board was once part of a display that held some of my swords. I will not post a picture of swords on this blog because this blog is about things I plant.

Planting Things Runs in the Family

It is not uncommon for members of my family to plants things. Both of my grandfathers grew up on farms. One of these grandfathers hated it though. The other one really enjoyed farm life. One time he and his brother, Otto, planted money in hopes that even more money would grow. Not everything you plant will grow.

My mother once planted an avocado and gave it to me. It grew quite fast and looked really nice. It grew so large, however, that it needed to be transplanted. I transplanted it, but it was never the same. I wonder if I waited too long to transplant it or if I transplanted it poorly. I put it outside in the summertime in hopes that it would get more sunlight, which it craved. One day I came home from work to find a squirrel nibbling on it. My good friend was kind enough to loan me a relatively high powered pellet gun to deal with the squirrel. I just did not have the heart to shoot him or her though, not even to protect my beloved plant. It was pretty much dead by that time anyway. The avocado plant died, but the squirrel presumably lived on, although that was about six years ago so maybe the squirrel is dead by now too.