Las Palmas

Pineapples can grow here in metropolitan Washington, D.C. because of the climate. It is very warm and humid, at least in the summertime. Check out these palm trees that are growing just up the street from me. Like Napoleon's army, however, they will not survive the winter in good order.

That reminds me, time to take my pineapple plants inside. That's right, I said plants. More on that later. Adios.

Office Orchid

Here is the most up to date thing that is going on with regard to my plants, my office, and I. I have now in my possession a new plant(office orchid, pictured herein). You may, if you wish, consider me an amateur intermediate plus when it comes to house plants. Certainly, I am not so experienced or specialized as the folks at this website, who focus exclusively in office orchids: http://www.officeorchid.com/abouus.php

I inherited my orchid, transplanted it, and the orchid is tolerating the transplant as well as could be expected. Whenever you think you are about to inherit something, stop, and say to yourself, "It is not mine until I take title to it." That is really more a general tip for determining tax liability and not spending money that is not yet yours; more of a general life tip really, than it is a planting tip.

If you want an office orchid, you should get one yourself. You will not get one from me. Well, conceivably you could, as my heir, but it is unlikely this orchid will live that long, or I that short.

Finally, if you were wondering what kind of trees are pictured outside the windows, the answer is "river birches."

Harvest of Heartbreak

As you may know, I planned on eating the pineapple with my family during Christmastime. But, I just didn't have the heart to see this plan to (de-)fruition. I nurtured the plant for over two years. I had watched it grow. Killing it and eating it seemed wrong. It is not my custom nor is it my practice to nurture things only to kill and eat them. That is a job I happily leave to livestock farmers.

Well, I wish I was made of sterner stuff. Harevesting it earlier would have at least rendered its flesh edible. Instead, something smelled rotten in my house (and more recently, as soon as the weather got nice, it smelled rotten out on the balcony). The smell was that of an overripe pineapple.

Its flesh used to be firm and green. Lately, however, its flesh was turning an unhealthy orange and yellow, and from it arose a penetrating aroma. (The aroma of an overripe pineapple, as described above.)

Anyway, I still had a problem. I still had not the heart to put it to the sword. Luckily for me, I happened upon a kind drifter on the street, who supplied his own blade and did the terrible deed. Even more luckily, he left after he was done without harming anyone. I taped the entire terrible thing. Watch if you must.

EXECUTIVE PARDON

Taking what power is vested in me as the executive of my own personal affairs and property, and endeavoring to ensure that domestic tranquiltiy reins and that justice is established, and furthermore notwithstanding pledges to the effect that I would have eaten my pineapple by now, I have resolved to pardon my pineapple plant from any immmediate butchering and eating. This pardon is not something I take lightly, and should be looked upon with all the dignity, pomp, circumstance, and weighty tradition of another famous pardonings, like this one, for example: http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2009/11/25/official-pardoning-turkey

The president, an executive like myself, of course has the authority to declare that live turkeys within the lawful possession of the executive branch of the government (federal) may be pardoned from the dinner table. What he does not have the power to do, however, is make school lunches better in Florida, no matter what he said to this inquisitive reporter at 4:24 into this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP-695ATg-c The main stream media should have picked up this story, because the answer the President gives, while mainly nonresponsive, sets a dangerous precedent that could be exploited and built upon in the following years.

For your information, other executive gardeners include, but are not limited to, G. Washington and Martha Stewart. See below:

http://www.mountvernon.org/

http://www.savvyhousekeeping.com/martha-stewarts-herb-garden/

Music Video

Music Video

Partial Status Report

I make for you now a partial status report below, corresponding to the pictures above.

Potato, Sweet; Potatoes, Regular: fighting for survival. For further information on what is happening, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnrXiaPVeHY&feature=PlayList&p=5746AC95FD252265&index=11 (listen to the lyrics at 19 seconds into the clip).

Pineapple: has been moved inside where it grows and thrive, and on less water than it required outside.

Basil: harvested heavily when the wheather changed, these plants took a beating, but don't count them out yet.

Jalapeno: has not done anything noteworthy other than continued to not grow.

Garlic: sometimes the ones that grow the fastest and most quickly also burn out the fastest.

Potatoes Are Calm, For Now

A new but enthusiatic reader asked about the potatoes. I posted a picture of them above. As some of you may recall, after the sweet potato vine began to strangle the pineapple plant, I thought I would teach it a lesson by making it pick on something(s) its own size.

Many of you of course expected a Highlander-type duel to ensue between the various potatoes. Although I applaud you all for your interest in this critically acclaimed and popular genre of fiction, I am sorry to report that, as you can see, although it is getting a little crowded down there, all the potatoes are behaving themselves.

But, winter is coming. They'll find out who their friends are soon enough, I think.

Night Moves

Take a look at this tall drink of water. It continues to grow at an astonishing rate (photographed at night).

Growing Season Prolonged

I recently went to see Mt. Vernon with my family. Mt. Vernon is the estate of George Washington, who was the first president of the United States of America. It is located in Alexandria, Virginia. It is well preserved and held out as a tourist attraction for tourists to learn about history, as well as a realistic example of what life was like back then on that property. I, like you, my gentle readers, find history to be always interesting, exciting, and sometimes, sad.

There was and is a vegetable garden at Mt. Vernon! You can see it if you click on this link: http://www.mountvernon.org/visit/plan/index.cfm/ss/30/

The garden was situated so that it got plenty of sun. It was also surrounded by a brick wall, which kept out pests and kept in warmth, thus prolonging the growing season.

My balcony garden, wich faces southeast, and which for a floor and roof has a slap of concrete, and surrounded as it is with brick walls on two sides, also conserves the sun's heat and prolongs the growing season. Pests are barely a problem, because we are so high up that even insects have a hard time finding the place. As an added bonus, nobody who has ever been enslaved has ever been on my balcony garden. The same cannot be said of G.W.'s garden, sadly.

One other big difference between my garden and Washington's is that mine is primarily for growing one pineapple. Washington's was for growing all sorts of vegetables.

Update

The pineapple, it continues to grow. See how fast it does!

Today is the first day of September, and with it this month brings chilly temperatures and my mom's birthday. I might have to take the pineapple plant inside soon.

The potatoes will stay outside, of course, I do not care about them anyway. As for the basil, it too will stay outside. Several weeks ago and off to the side of the northern part of Dupont Circle I saw a large copse of basil plants, we're talking very substantial plants, planted in the dirt, right in front of a cafe. I had no idea that basil plants could be perennials here in D.C. Hopefully my basil plants will be.

As for the marigolds, well, sorry to say I planted them too late and they will never reach their full potential. Same for the garlic and the jalapenos. For that matter, a lot of people will never reach their full potential because they wanted for nourishment and timely, prudent, and appropriate nuturing, and so that is a lot worse than plants dying prematurely. Way worse.

Well, this has been fun but I better get back to work. I am super busy (and you should be too).

Presentation of a Pineapple

I know now what some parents may have felt once or twice. I know the joy of nurturing something that does not turn out to be a huge disappointment after all. I know the joy of a pineapple plant that has germinated big time.

I do not mean to insult the readers of this humble blog, but, just to be clear: No, I am not saying that the pineapple is German. Ludwig von Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 playing in the background is mere coincidence. "Germinate" is a term oft used in horticulture. It refers usually to what a man or woman of everyday experience would describe roughly as "a seed sprouting," and is usually the first step in growing things that one plants. Well, because my pineapple plant was first decapitated from a pineapple seed and then planted, the appearance of a new seed is really the important part, and thus the point of germination for my purposes.

Two years, perhaps more. That is how long I have worked for this. I take back anything I ever said or thought about this plant that was unkind. For that matter I take back all the unkind words, deeds, and thoughts I ever had against anybody. This is probably the happiest day of my life (although the extremely popular and critically acclaimed movie series Highlander is rumored to be in the process of being remade, so it might not be the best day of my life forever).

I am already worried about some insects I saw crawling over the baby pineapple. I vow to slay them, and to respond severely to anybody or anything else that seeks to do mischief (or worse, heaven forbid!) against MY pineapple plant.

Finally, I would like to thank my wife, for her indulgences and understanding. Now, to her, as always, I send my love (and also this post).

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Garlic Impressed

Badow! Look at how high the garlic has grown!

Fruits of My Labor

Pictured above is some basil that I utilized to prepare "pesto" in accordance with a technique for doing same supplied to me by my wife, who transmitted this technique to me while in absentia.

"Pesto" is something that may sound unamerican to some. To those who think like that I say "stop it." America is best because of diversity and can-do attitudes. There is no need for can-don'ts, and definitely not room for can-don'ts on my balcony.

Case study: The cilantro I planted died. Well, if you expected me to tuck it between my legs and cry and lament than you need to work on reaching a better hypothesis based on facts and inferences. Because instead I triumphantly planted jalapeno seeds. See now how they are trumpeting triumphantly out of the dirt? Soon I shall dine on jalapenos, basil, and, the god(s) willing, a stinking pineapple (I'm steeling by heart against the hope of a pineapple to prepare for the very real possibility that the summer season will depart and never supply me with a pineapple).

Scientific Method

One way in which people become accomplished green thumbs is by being able to analyze facts and form hypotheses that can then be tested using what is called the scientific method.

Now for the bad news. My cilantro is going or is already gone. I would post a picture but I don't want this blog to seem morbid. Rather, it is a celebration of life, not a macabre goth site about death and other crummbummers. I don't know if the cilantro got too much water, too much sun, poor soil drainage, or some combination.

There are too many variables to find out why the cilantro failed without running more than one experiment. If I had a kid one of the things I would make it do is conduct scientific experiments for me and write reports summarizing those experiments so that I could satisfy my curiousity by perusing those reports at my leisure. I hope that whatever school district it goes to has a good science program, so that it could be trusted to do this without making errors by 7th grade or so. I do not have much leisure time these days, so that is why I would need to read digests of the experiments instead of perform them myself. As you can well see, I have a lot of constraints on my time. Also, I work a lot as a professional in an office building.

There Can Be Only One

Have you ever asked yourself: if one sweet potato, two russet potatoes, and one red potato were to fight, then which would win? Hopefully, when one combines the above in a 10 inch planter that is only about half filled with dirt, and waters them only as an after-thought when he has water left over from watering other plants, then there can be only one (to survive).

In the extremely popular and critcally acclaimed movie Highlander, an immortal being must compete with other immortals in order to win the prize. It is somewhat of a misnomer to call these beings immortals, as they can be killed if their heads are separated from their bodies. Instead of living for almost infinity, however, they go about their lives amassing fortunes, taking lovers, and attempting to decapitate each other with swords, in what for the most part is fair and honorable combat. This combat accelerates at the time of the gathering, which is when all immortals feel a draw to be in the same place.

There is a gathering of sorts going on right now with respect to the above-pictured potatoes. As you well know, I have never liked that sweet potato, so I dumped in three more potatoes in its relatively small pot in hopes that it would be dispatched. I am not sure if these potatoes will ever make for good eating. As a reward and to show respect, I will eat the winner, which will be like eating all four, because one assumes that every time one potato defeats another it will take on the defeated foe's essence (quickening).

Feel free to comment on who you hope will win. Remember to specify which of the two russet potatoes you are rooting for if you are rooting for one of them. The one in the middle that has already sprouted vines is the sweet potato. The red potato is red. Duh.

Ethylene Gas Capturing Apparatus

As previously discussed, the apple releases ethylene gas, which is supposed to initiate flower buds in the subject bromelaid, also known as my pride and joy, aka my pineapple plant. The plastic bag captures the gas, hopefully in enough of a concentration for it to actually work.

I worry about this plant. It is growing relatively unsightly, its chutes are shooting out askew, brown tips and streaks can be observed on its leaves, and it doesn't seem to want to take any water. I water it, but the water seeps through the dirt at an improbably fast rate and then collects in the drip pan, where it sits for days.

I do not water it that much, because I read that pineapples don't favor being oft watered. I don't favor wasting my time and receiving little fruit (actually in this case absolutely none and it has been two years already) for my labor. You know, its not like there aren't other plants on the balcony that wouldn't benfit from the large planter that the pineapple occupies. It is not like other plants wouldn't benefit from all the attention I lavish on this plant. It is not like it is impossible for me to one day stop removing the choking vines of the sweet potato plant from the pineapple plant. I am just saying.

Pride

Although I'm posting it today, the above picture, showing basil, growing tall and proud, was taken yesterday. Fitting that it was, because yesterday was the 4th of July, which us Americans celebrate proudly.

Garlic

I know not how to plant garlic, nor how to care for it once it has been planted. I will learn by trial and error, like how to have a girlfriend for the first time or what to do as a business/professional person after you are done with school and need to be a business/professional person.

As you can see above, garlic began to sprout in the family kitchen. What you cannot see, but what nevertheless happened is that my wife said, "do you want to plant this?" I said "yes." Then I planted it.

Garlic, while delicious, is not known for helping with one's breath, which one needs to be fairly odorless to get with the ladies or men if one is trying to get with them (I am not trying to get with either). Garlic is also fabled to fend off vampires (vampyres). I cannot speak to this myth. I can speak to the FACT that if one is perceived to be interested in vampire movies, then that does repel women. Explaining that one does not really like vampires, but rather likes movies about vampire hunting, does not distinguish one from loser vampire fans to an extent to make it worth bothering.