Presentation of a Pineapple

I know now what some parents may have felt once or twice. I know the joy of nurturing something that does not turn out to be a huge disappointment after all. I know the joy of a pineapple plant that has germinated big time.

I do not mean to insult the readers of this humble blog, but, just to be clear: No, I am not saying that the pineapple is German. Ludwig von Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 playing in the background is mere coincidence. "Germinate" is a term oft used in horticulture. It refers usually to what a man or woman of everyday experience would describe roughly as "a seed sprouting," and is usually the first step in growing things that one plants. Well, because my pineapple plant was first decapitated from a pineapple seed and then planted, the appearance of a new seed is really the important part, and thus the point of germination for my purposes.

Two years, perhaps more. That is how long I have worked for this. I take back anything I ever said or thought about this plant that was unkind. For that matter I take back all the unkind words, deeds, and thoughts I ever had against anybody. This is probably the happiest day of my life (although the extremely popular and critically acclaimed movie series Highlander is rumored to be in the process of being remade, so it might not be the best day of my life forever).

I am already worried about some insects I saw crawling over the baby pineapple. I vow to slay them, and to respond severely to anybody or anything else that seeks to do mischief (or worse, heaven forbid!) against MY pineapple plant.

Finally, I would like to thank my wife, for her indulgences and understanding. Now, to her, as always, I send my love (and also this post).

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Garlic Impressed

Badow! Look at how high the garlic has grown!

Fruits of My Labor

Pictured above is some basil that I utilized to prepare "pesto" in accordance with a technique for doing same supplied to me by my wife, who transmitted this technique to me while in absentia.

"Pesto" is something that may sound unamerican to some. To those who think like that I say "stop it." America is best because of diversity and can-do attitudes. There is no need for can-don'ts, and definitely not room for can-don'ts on my balcony.

Case study: The cilantro I planted died. Well, if you expected me to tuck it between my legs and cry and lament than you need to work on reaching a better hypothesis based on facts and inferences. Because instead I triumphantly planted jalapeno seeds. See now how they are trumpeting triumphantly out of the dirt? Soon I shall dine on jalapenos, basil, and, the god(s) willing, a stinking pineapple (I'm steeling by heart against the hope of a pineapple to prepare for the very real possibility that the summer season will depart and never supply me with a pineapple).

Scientific Method

One way in which people become accomplished green thumbs is by being able to analyze facts and form hypotheses that can then be tested using what is called the scientific method.

Now for the bad news. My cilantro is going or is already gone. I would post a picture but I don't want this blog to seem morbid. Rather, it is a celebration of life, not a macabre goth site about death and other crummbummers. I don't know if the cilantro got too much water, too much sun, poor soil drainage, or some combination.

There are too many variables to find out why the cilantro failed without running more than one experiment. If I had a kid one of the things I would make it do is conduct scientific experiments for me and write reports summarizing those experiments so that I could satisfy my curiousity by perusing those reports at my leisure. I hope that whatever school district it goes to has a good science program, so that it could be trusted to do this without making errors by 7th grade or so. I do not have much leisure time these days, so that is why I would need to read digests of the experiments instead of perform them myself. As you can well see, I have a lot of constraints on my time. Also, I work a lot as a professional in an office building.

There Can Be Only One

Have you ever asked yourself: if one sweet potato, two russet potatoes, and one red potato were to fight, then which would win? Hopefully, when one combines the above in a 10 inch planter that is only about half filled with dirt, and waters them only as an after-thought when he has water left over from watering other plants, then there can be only one (to survive).

In the extremely popular and critcally acclaimed movie Highlander, an immortal being must compete with other immortals in order to win the prize. It is somewhat of a misnomer to call these beings immortals, as they can be killed if their heads are separated from their bodies. Instead of living for almost infinity, however, they go about their lives amassing fortunes, taking lovers, and attempting to decapitate each other with swords, in what for the most part is fair and honorable combat. This combat accelerates at the time of the gathering, which is when all immortals feel a draw to be in the same place.

There is a gathering of sorts going on right now with respect to the above-pictured potatoes. As you well know, I have never liked that sweet potato, so I dumped in three more potatoes in its relatively small pot in hopes that it would be dispatched. I am not sure if these potatoes will ever make for good eating. As a reward and to show respect, I will eat the winner, which will be like eating all four, because one assumes that every time one potato defeats another it will take on the defeated foe's essence (quickening).

Feel free to comment on who you hope will win. Remember to specify which of the two russet potatoes you are rooting for if you are rooting for one of them. The one in the middle that has already sprouted vines is the sweet potato. The red potato is red. Duh.

Ethylene Gas Capturing Apparatus

As previously discussed, the apple releases ethylene gas, which is supposed to initiate flower buds in the subject bromelaid, also known as my pride and joy, aka my pineapple plant. The plastic bag captures the gas, hopefully in enough of a concentration for it to actually work.

I worry about this plant. It is growing relatively unsightly, its chutes are shooting out askew, brown tips and streaks can be observed on its leaves, and it doesn't seem to want to take any water. I water it, but the water seeps through the dirt at an improbably fast rate and then collects in the drip pan, where it sits for days.

I do not water it that much, because I read that pineapples don't favor being oft watered. I don't favor wasting my time and receiving little fruit (actually in this case absolutely none and it has been two years already) for my labor. You know, its not like there aren't other plants on the balcony that wouldn't benfit from the large planter that the pineapple occupies. It is not like other plants wouldn't benefit from all the attention I lavish on this plant. It is not like it is impossible for me to one day stop removing the choking vines of the sweet potato plant from the pineapple plant. I am just saying.